2 Common Challenges in Neurodivergent Relationships: from a Portland Couples Therapist

Are you and/or your partner neurodivergent? Whether your relationship is mixed neurotype or you are both Autistic or ADHDers, there are common challenges that can show up!

While this blog will focus on the challenges of neurodivergent relationships, I want to be very clear that there are many wonderful parts of them too! As a AuDHDer partnered with another neurodivergent person, I have personally experienced how connecting it can be to just get each other. Our silliness, deep passion in interests, creativity and collaboration is really magical! And yet, the challenges are real.

So, let’s chat about 2 common challenges in neurodivergent relationships!

#1: Differing sensory needs.

If you’re neurodivergent, you might experience sensory sensitivities or sensory seeking behaviors. Maybe you’re realllllly sensitive to sounds and when there’s too much noise, it feels like nails on a chalkboard. When you get overstimulated by sound, you might feel pretty irritable or anxious. But maybe your partner loves lots of sound. Maybe it really stimulates their brain and they’re often seeking out sound by listening to loud/busy music and engaging in vocal stims (i.e. making repetitive sounds, like repeating a sound they heard in a TikTok video over and over).

Neither of you are "right or wrong” in how you experience sound, but this difference could lead to tension. I often work with couples who don’t realize this is a factor when they get into arguments that don’t seem to make sense.

If you and/or your partner are neurodivergent, I really recommend identifying your sensory profile (basically, figuring out what sensory things you do and don’t like & how they impact you). If you understand each other’s sensory needs and your own, then you have a lot more options for how to address this. Maybe you wear earplugs while your partner listens to their music. Maybe you are intentional about having some separate solo time so you can get the quiet you need and your partner can freely engage with all the sounds. Maybe your partner listens to their music with headphones. Or maybe you can just check in with each other’s capacity and needs before doing something that may be a sensory trigger.

#2: Executive Functioning Discrepancies.

Being neurodivergent can come with executive functioning challenges and strengths. Some of the main executive functioning skills include: working memory, task initiation, organization, planning & prioritization, flexibility, and time management. I often say executive functioning is a lot of the stuff required for adulting.

Everyone has difference executive functioning challenges and strengths, but this can be heightened for neurodivergent folks. Maybe you are very organized (maybe you even love organizing!), you’re always on time (or early) for things, and you are very particular about how you set up your environment. But maybe your partner is always late, has piles of random things they forgot to put away around the house, and tend to live in a bit of a state of chaos.

If you are your partner have some opposite experiences with executive functioning, you might find yourself getting into arguments about these things. On the other hand, if you and your partner are very similar…let’s say similarly messy, you might both fall into the pit of clutter overwhelm often.

So what do you do about this? A great first step is to identify each of your executive functioning strengths and challenges. If you both struggle with something, perhaps you see if it’s feasible to outsource some help (i.e. hiring a house cleaner). Or maybe you work on making your home more neurodivergent friendly. If one of your struggles with something and the other doesn’t, maybe you can discuss what it would be like to lean on each other your strengths. So maybe one of you is on top of paying bills but the other plans your dates. Both are valuable contributions to your shared life and relationship, but you’re doing what works best for each of your brains.

Another important part of addressing this together is to communicate about it! It sounds simple, but can actually be hard to do. When you find yourselves getting frustrated, resentful or in a place of conflict about these challenges, try to slow down and check in with each other. How is your brain approaching this? What’s it like for you to try to (fill in the blank task)? Does it feel easy or hard? Why? Approaching each other with curiosity can help you understand where each other is coming from.

I hope this blog had a couple helpful nuggets for you! Neurodivergent relationships can be so lovely & working through the challenges is worth it.

A great way to dive deeper is to pursue couples therapy. If you’re seeking neurodivergent affirming couples therapy, we’re here for you! We offer couples therapy in Portland, OR. We work with Autistic couples, ADHD couples and neurodivergent couples here in Portland and all of OR online. You can get started with a free consultation!